Jiu Jitsu and Mental Fortitide

If someone would have asked me what I liked about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu when I first started I really would not have known how to answer. From an outside perspective it probably did not look like I was having a good time.

I vividly remember my training partners pinning me in positions and me panicking in almost a black out state, totally spazzing. I would promptly forget the technique we had just drilled and revert to frantically flopping around like a fish out of water, sweaty and panting. I got my ass kicked every day and left physically spent and covered in bruises. I would wake up the next morning with my muscles so stiff and sore that I could barely move.

Despite all of that, I would wake up every morning with a new feeling of excitement, counting down the hours until that night's class. Work would crawl by and all I could think about was bjj. I couldn't wait to get on the mats every night.

To my surprise, even though I got beat up every day and never pulled off any technique, I never felt defeated. Actually, I felt empowered. Generally, I dislike the use of the word empowered because it has become so cliche. In this case though it is the most fitting word for how bjj makes me feel. Empowered means to "make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially with controlling their life and claiming their rights." 

What bjj did was prove that I could take a beating, both physically and mentally and not give up or give in. I discovered that I have mental fortitude much greater than I had realized. When put in a fight or flight situation I am going to fight. Every time. Not many people find this out about themselves and reaffirm it every day.

This mental fortitude goes beyond the mats and self defense, life or death situations.  At the most basic level jiu jitsu is a metaphor for life. 

When I get swept I try to land in the best position possible and work to better my position. If I've repeatedly tried a technique and it doesn't work maybe it's time to try something different. There is no "one size fits all" technique that is going to work for every situation every time; I have to adapt my game depending on the size, strength, and skill level of my training partner. 

I'm also never going to master everything. There will be some things I'm good at and some things I'm not. I will never be perfect and there is no finish line. It is a sport that is ever evolving and there will always be something new to learn. These are all lessons that are applicable to my daily life outside of the gym.

When I started bjj I was enduring a difficult time in my life. My son was entering high school, needing me less and less and I had closed a business that I had poured my heart and soul into for a number of years. I ended up taking a job making less money than I was before I started college. 

These things were a major blow to my ego. I had prided myself on titles and tied my self worth, happiness and identity to those titles. Jiu jitsu came into my life right on time. 

To paraphrase Tyler Durden, Jiu jitsu has taught me that I am not my job, I'm not how much money I have in the bank. I am not the car I drive. I'm not a number on a scale or the dress I wear to work.

I am a fighter.

How I Found Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

When hanging out with training partners the conversation at some point will always come around to how you got into bjj. I've been asked this multiple times but it's not until recently that I found myself telling the truth about how I got into it.

In the beginning I thought that I tried that first class to get my husband and his sister off my back. They had started it to complement their self defense training. At that point I sometimes carried a gun when I was traveling through a bad area. I took a few basic pistol courses and didn't see the need to do much more. 

I was in that class of women who are in denial of the real possibility that shit might go down. "We learned to watch our drinks at bars and walk home in pairs of two, we glossed over the hard stuff. We addressed how to try to avoid assaults; we never talked about what to do if we found ourselves in a fight for our lives." 

I honestly thought that if someone tried to approach or grab me I would just pull out my gun and it would scare them off.

One problem though was that carrying a gun was not always realistic for me. I was interested in carrying a knife full time but knew that I needed some training on deploying it without hurting myself. My husband suggested that I take In-Extremis Knife (IEK) with Craig Douglass. 

I think that class opened my eyes to the fact that just carrying a gun or knife and being aware of my surroundings is not enough. Reviewing videos from that class I can see just how far I've come. That was my first experience with force on force training. Following are the stand outs:

• I had a horrible stance, too upright and narrow.
• I couldn't judge the distance between myself and my attacker.
• I didn't keep my hands up to protect myself from blows to the head.
• My movement in general was too bouncy (that's something I still struggle with sometimes.)
• I had difficulties "cutting the angles," only having forward and backward movement.
• I would not have known what to do if I got knocked down.

I went away from that class feeling both accomplished and a little lost. I was proud of myself for just completing it. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done. I shy away from confrontation and that class put me right in the thick of it.

That class also made it clear that what I had learned and bought into up until that point would not work in a real life situation. It shook my confidence and I wasn't sure what to do about it. My husband kept suggesting that I try jiu jitsu. The thought terrified me.

Up until that point I had never participated in anything very physical. I was too self conscious. As a child I developed mild scoliosis which causes my right foot to point outward. It's only noticeable when I run. Children are assholes and they quacked like a duck at me when I ran in gym class. As soon as I realized I could skip or fake sick that's what I did.

Shawn is relentless though and was sure if I tried bjj I would like it. On his birthday almost 2 years ago (3 months after IEK) I finally gave in and agreed to try a class. I was certain that I would hate it.

So what happened at that first class?

I didn't hate it. I couldn't say that I liked it though either. It was one of the most exhausting things I had ever done and I sucked at it but the utility of bjj for self defense was undeniable. It teaches a smaller, weaker person to successfully defend their self against a larger, stronger opponent. 

It also helped that I felt welcomed by the ladies who were already there. I felt a part of right away and when I did something wrong (as we all do when we are new) they didn't make me feel stupid. They were patient and helped me learn.

A week later I found myself signing up at Renzo Gracie Pittsburgh. I was addicted.

Two years later I am a different person physically and mentally. At 34 I am in the best shape of my life. I have started lifting to get better at jiu jitsu and eat relatively healthy to perform my best.

I used to avoid confrontation at all costs. While I don't currently go out looking for a fight I can handle confrontations when they inevitably come up (I work retail...) The funny thing is that confrontations don't seem to come up as much as they used to. That is because I hold myself with an air of confidence, as someone who is not willing to be pushed around. 

Those are just a few of the many side effects that bjj has had on my life. I will be writing plenty of follow up posts on this topic in the future. Stay tuned.